Your prompt for JusJoJan January 30th, 2022, is “prepare.” Use the word “prepare” any way you’d like. Enjoy!

You know, as long as I had been taking care of Dad, and before, when I was just spending more time with him, I thought I was mentally prepared for his eventual passing.

I could not have been more wrong. When the news came, I was home and he was in what was supposed to be his forever home…the best place we had been trying to get him to for so long. I was unprepared for that phone call. To make matters worse, I thought there was a chance he might not have passed away because the owner said he stopped breathing, and the paramedics were there and were going to perform CPR.

I won’t rehash the event, but suffice it to say, my heart was ripped out and I was wracked with guilt. I wasn’t there. I didn’t get to say goodbye. He should have had more time. All of those things and more tormented my mind and sometimes still do. I was in shock. Even Micheal, the owner said he thought they would enjoy many years together. He was visibly shaken.

The point is, I knew he was old, sick, and recovering from 4 broken ribs still. He barely ate once he got to the rehab. The situation was going downhill. I should not have been surprised, my heart was what was unprepared. I tried to rationalize the fact that when he was here, before the fall, we had been doing good. In reality, I knew he would need to go somewhere soon and we were already looking for the best option. Unfortunately, after the fall, things snowballed. We went from the hospital to a rehab, to a week long stay at a skilled nursing facility, to Micheals group home, all in a matter of weeks, all while dealing with lawyers, and consultants on where the best place for Dad would be.

The majority of cases like this turn out this way, yet I still tried to convince myself that had he stayed with me, or had I done a better job somehow, we would have had more time. Maybe he was preparing me for the fact that he was tired of this world and ready to go. I don’t know. When he was here, before the fall, he worked hard at his pt therapy. He wanted to get stronger and more self reliant. After the fall, he worked hard, but I think he knew he was never coming home. I think he started giving up then.

Ok, I said I wasn’t going to rehash, and still did. I am still trying to work it all out in my head. I wish I would have appreciated more the time we had together. I wish I would have asked all the important questions about his life, his history. Now I have no one TO ask, they are all gone. So, I was unprepared in that way as well.

Love and appreciate the ones you’ve got. Know them! It makes a difference when they are gone. Prepare yourself for the day they will pass, but love them and appreciate them while they are here. ❤️