After my visit with Julie yesterday, I was able to face the day’s tasks with less anxiety and emotion, therefore, we got a ton of things accomplished! We had a meeting with the Knights of Columbus (my dad was a 4th degree Knight), a trip to the church to tell them we wanted to schedule his service there, a meeting with the probate lawyer, which added even more to our to-do list for tomorrow, and even went and picked up all of Dad’s belongings at the residential hime where he passed away. I feel stronger, but was a little emotional doing that last task. The last thing I did tonight was get an urn ordered online, and I think we will all be happy with it. I’m going to ask the funeral home tomorrow if they can save out some of his ashes for a beautiful cross I want to buy later. It is a rustic cross with a small orb at the bottom that the ashes will be incorporated into. Part of him will always be with me 😌
I’m sure tired, and that may be due to constant running around and bottling up emotions, and yet I feel a sense of accomplishment at all we got done. My brother is back to work, but had nothing going on today, so having him run us all over town while he still could was awesome. I have much to do again tomorrow, but its all part of the process and it has to get done. Most of it is phone calls, but I also have to go get his picture blown up and framed for the service. I’m still not sure when the obit gets written, or if I’m doing it, but that will be soon, I’m sure, because we are going to try and get the service scheduled for Dec 10th or 11th.
I’m waiting on my friend and her hub, Wes, to come for a visit. We just finished watching our church service, and we have been cleaning the house and putting away the groceries. I know soon, I will have to go through Dad’s things and get them ready to donate, sell, or keep. Not quite ready for that either. Today, I’m going to visit, rest, and reflect on missing Dad and what this week will bring. I am just taking it one day at a time.
I am thinking of joining the grief support group at my church. I need to talk it out with people who understand. All my friends and family are getting ready for the busy month and have other things on their mind. I don’t even want to decorate, yet I know I will at some point. This year, I’m not focusing on gift giving as much as helping others. I want to donate Dad’s clothes and medical supplies to those who need them. I want to create some kind of memory box for a few of his things, and pictures and stuff.
Advent means waiting and preparing for the coming of our savior, but I also think it applies to our situation of waiting for what comes next in the process of memorializing my dad, and preparing to take his ashes to their final resting place, and deciding how to carry on when all that is over. I know he wants me to live my life and continue with my writing and my volunteer work. I will when I get ready, but for now, I just have to get through each day.
Linda Hill challenges us today with this prompt: “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is ‘golly gee.’ Use ‘golly gee’ or another interjection that displays the same sentiment in your post. Enjoy!”
Why is God torturing me with these horrible thoughts that make me scared Dad was treated badly the few days he was at the new home? I can’t help it, and it would be too late for Dad, but if I’m right, maybe it would save someone else from suffering.
Golly gee, I know it sounds morbid, but hear me out.
1.) How did they get him to eat oatmeal, eggs, and hot dogs when I could barely get soup down him at Hurst Plaza? Were they forcing him to eat all that or just plain lying?
2.) Why was he scared to sleep in the bed? I assured him there were cameras and alarms so he couldn’t fall.
3.) Why did Micheal say he had been there with him that morning and seen him walk so much if he told me in a text that he was having JJ walk him after supposedly Dad got 5 hours of sleep? My husband said he could smell alcohol on Micheal’s breath when we got there. He didn’t find that odd, but how does someone with two care homes and a home of his own, with kids and a wife who is recovering from surgery find the time? I know he is super busy and probably stressed out, but does that seem professional to you?
4.) Why did Stephanie mention asking him if he felt abused in their home, tell me he said he didn’t, but said he said he had been abused at Hurst Plaza on the night he passed away? I never asked that question. Why did she feel the need to tell me that on such a devastating night? PS-I never suspected abuse at either the rehab, or the skilled nursing place, they were simply understaffed.)
5.) What if they pushed him too hard and his heart just gave out?
6.) Why did they do CPR when he was a DNR? They claim not to have been able to find the paperwork, but it was right there in Micheal’s office, he just hadn’t been there for three days.
Maybe its just my grief talking, but I cant get these questions out of my head. If I thought my poor daddy suffered the last 4 days of his life, I would die myself. Should I act on it? Should I let it go, get counseling from my pastor? Dad is being cremated, so there was no autopsy, and everyone would have thought I was nuts to bring it up the night he passed away. In fact, the questions came early the morning after, when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not eating or sleeping well, and I’m trying to pray, and block these thoughts out. I don’t look forward to retrieving his clothes and chair, because I’m afraid I would be tempted to bring it up, besides, the thought of going back there isn’t pleasant anyway. That’s where I lost my dad. Of course it’s going to cause me more grief.
I know I’m not supposed to have any guilt or regrets, and trust that they were the wonderful place we thought they were, but my tortured mind won’t let me rest. Is this a stage of the grieving process, anger and questions, or do you think I have legitimate cause for concern? Like I said, it can’t bring my daddy back, but if I’m right, it could save someone else’s loved one from suffering the same fate. The last time I saw Dad, he was cold and pale, so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open, and just wanted to get back in his recliner and sleep…he could barely walk with assistance, JJ practically had to carry him back to his chair. I’m sorry to be bringing all this up, but I need answers or I’m going to go crazy.
I am having a hard time sharing this post, but you all have followed our journey, so I need to share the news, although its with a heavy heart to do so.
Micheal, at the home where my dad was, finally tried a narcotic (Tylenol 3) to help him sleep on Sunday night. He stated that he got up early after about five hours of sleep, then they took a walk, with assistance, of course, and he had some coffee and they watched a little bit of news. I may have the order of these things wrong, but it’s inconsequential. Anyway, Monday night, he didn’t want to eat, so they asked him if he wanted a protein shake and he said not yet, so they put him in his recliner. He pulled his blanket up to his chin, and leaned over and nodded off. The aid went to help someone else and when she came back to check on Dad, he had stopped breathing. They called 911, then called me, but by the time we got there, it was all over and he was gone.
Everyone says to not feel guilty, but it breaks my heart that he died among strangers instead of his family. I was there almost every day, but they said coming too much was too hard on him, so i had skipped a day. Maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe he knew it would be too hard on me (us), but I would have been more at peace in my heart had we been there to hold his hand. i guess guilt is my cross to bear in this life. I will have to get to Heaven myself to know the answers I seek.
God is in control, I have to keep saying it over and over because if I don’t, I will go mad. And, although I felt good about where he was, when someone dies, you naturally feel anger and suspicious. Was he really being taken care of? I have so many questions, but my cousin told me when those thoughts come to my head, I must shut them down, or I will go into a deep, dark hole I can never climb out of. I have to move on, because he is at peace at last, and that is what is important. There will be a service at his church in due time, and he will then be interred at DFW National Cemetery alongside my my mother’s ashes. There will be a small service there too, since he was a veteran.
What is it with my family members choosing the holidays to go to their final resting place. So many do. I am grateful he is no longer suffering and that I will have my closest family around me for Thanksgiving. We will grieve together and then we will celebrate his life and somehow move on with ours. The other tragedy is that Connie, my sister-in-law lost her mom the same day I lost my dad, but she went to heaven that morning. So she and Bubba will be in Idaho for Thanksgiving. David and I will host my kids, my brother, and Bubba’s son Stephen and his fiance Kacee.
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I appreciate all your prayers and concern through this journey. 🙏💕