“How is this my life?” Kate asked last night on This Is Us. I found myself asking the same question this morning.
I used to hike, climb rocks, strap on my climbing boots and walk all over San Antonio without a care in the world. I was young and impuslive once, walking home alone from bars, taking risky chances in bars, not afraid to go and do whatever I wanted by myself. Crazy? Maybe, but I felt alive!
How is it now that I’m making excuses to get off the couch? Watching my dogs fighting over a pecan in my just-cleaned bedroom, fighting the cat for my yogurt cup, the Oikos sugar-free vanilla with all my yummy fruit and home made granola in it? Struggling to find acceptance as a freelance writer from my own husband and family even? How is it that the most exciting part of my day is when I allow myself time for crafting?
I realize it’s partly my fault we sit here on the couch night after night watching whatever show I’m addicted to next, but David sits right here with me. Have we become that boring old couple with no friends and nothing better to do? I also realize it was my decision to stop working outside the home for the sake of my sanity, is it so crazy that now twenty plus years later I’m facing the same thing here at home? Is it the grieving that makes me feel stuck? Or am I just a bore these days?
Day after day I get up and wonder how to proceed with my day, I try to get myself in a routine. I think one day I’m on to something because I got my workout done early and my Bible and Spanish lesson done. I cooked the dogs another batch of homemade food and even shared it to Instagram. Not exciting, but the next day I’m struggling to move off the couch, telling myself, just one more episode and then I’ll get busy.
Busy doing what, though? Everything I do feels insignificant. Nobody cares. Nobody knows. I’m alone. David’s at work, the kids have their lives, and my friends are all moved away living their best lives. I’m stuck here wondering ”do I write, crochet, do Diamond Art, work in the yard, do housework, or nothing at all? Who would know, or care for that matter.
I realized in my creative writing class last night that I’m a real bore. Not a deep thinker, I had a hard time with “What’s a thing that’s special to you and brings you joy?” Well, I like to sing and I like taking trips. So I wrote a silly little poem about it. So embarrassing. On top of that, I got emotional about it. Is that all I’ve got? I couldn’t come up with anything more exciting than that? No, that is how disconnected from life I am right now. I was invited to join a writing group on Facebook, that would be helpful, I’m sure.
I busted my hump cleaning the house? Nobody cares. Worked that corner garden, cleaned out the garage or cleaned the side yard up? Not impressed…or noticed. Just wrote a killer article or blog post? Thats nice. Why bother?
What gives me joy? Helping others. But also: Appreciation. Acknowledgment. Attention. Maybe that’s why I’m happy to drive somewhere, anywhere really, and sing to the top of my lungs. At least I’m pleasing myself and I’m happy in the moment. Maybe I need to go back to work, or volunteer somewhere again. At least I’d feel useful. Sure, I’d be giving up my freedom, but I don’t feel free right now, I feel trapped. I miss spontaneity, taking hikes, going to movies, and night clubs, and risky behavior. Things that made me feel alive.
It’s not that I don’t like my home and my alone time, but I miss people! I miss friends and coworkers, I miss being part of something. I miss caregiving, volunteering, and game nights with friends. The pandemic and it’s after-affects have made me lazy, tired, and unmotivated. Does anyone else feel like me? Maybe we should all go take a hike.
I met one of my neighbors the other day. She really seemed interested in me and my writing. She even took a couple of copies of the magazine I write for and we invited each other to come for coffee sometime. I haven’t hear a word. I even went next door and left a sticky note with my contact details so she could call or text. Oh well.
Well, I’m off to listen to my Bible lesson, maybe I’ll start my new paint-by-number, after which I need to work out. I could work on my jigsaw puzzle. Then figure out what’s for supper…no, I forgot, Dave already got stuff for chili goop. Maybe while we’re watching Survivor tonight, we can play pool at the same time. Then again, I doubt it.
Twisted Trunk Travels 
God knows what you did.
Him you can never kid
i ll say this you need to remember
you are a snowflake and a fingerprint
literally unique
no one is like you
i go up urban hills
push my sore heel
and sweat out toxins
feel pooped
and elated
peace
and this exercise
is free
and fuck yeah
i love me
oh oh
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the reminder. ☺️
LikeLike
So beautiful life living. Very interesting share your works. I like.
LikeLiked by 1 person
After rereading my post this morning, I realized I was whining a bit. Forgive me, I am truly blessed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
May be blessed you. My hug! I rereding your post. I hope you forget me. I miss u!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds to me like the devil is trying to get into your mind and fill it with a bunch of lies! You so matter!! You are so productive every single day in everything you do even the small things going and sees them as big! I think it is in Philippians 2 that talks about learning to be content with where you are at. If only I could do all of the things that you do now. Confession: I have about 4 this is us to watch since before the Olympics even started. My vision my vision, mostly my focus and blurriness are so bad. A can take me 30 to 45 mins. to read one of your blogs! And I even mess a lot I know, but I will still try! Love you girl!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I knew I was gonna get it from you, lol! I know, I was having an off day and kind of whiny, I apologize. I know I’m blessed and should never say things like that! I’m so sorry your vision is giving you fits, at least you get through it! Catch up on This Is Us, it’s been good! Love you too girl, 🤗💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s your blog, and you can say whatever you want. Definitely want you to say how you feel but all of the negative talk makes me worried for you as your friend and I your friend!! We are all entitled to have those down days and I have more than my share! I am glad that you are getting your feelings out there instead of keeping them bottled up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Steph! Today was a good day! 🤗🥰
LikeLike
I’m glad you said ‘it’. “IT” is exactly how I feel (except I cannot sing and I do not like my house) – It’s great that you have friends to let you know how appreciated and love you are. Chin up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Will do and thanks for stopping by ☺️
LikeLiked by 2 people
How brave you are to let raw feelings come to the surface. I bet we all feel like that on occasion. But from all my reading about being a good writer, it is when we let that stuff out and let the guts of emotion dry out in the light of day that our writing grows.
So what if you write about a ball you had as a baby and it seems silly. It was you of the moment. Not a Mt. Everest, but the walk down the driveway. It’s something that you freely created. If it’s you, do it! That’s how we get back to that being we used to be. Being who we are intended to be.
I love and appreciate you. I wish my eyes would let me read/respond more. Maybe soon. My appointment to reevaluate the cataract situation is coming up soon. Not seeing well can make you feel useless. The above cheerleading was for me, too. I felt your pain. That is you, too. It helped me to touch my pain.❤️💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I hate being a whiner, and I always regret not remembering how blessed I am and how I have nothing to complain about. I realize we all have bad days, but maybe my journal is a better place to air those kinds of feelings than here on my public blog.
I should figure out how to write about my feelings in a more creative way. I’ll work on that. However, I’m glad you were helped in some small way by my writing.
I’m sorry you have cataracts but it’s good to know they can be fixed. 🤗
LikeLike
I think when we are brave enough to share our feelings we help others who might not be able to for whatever reason.
I remember PMS. It seemed the only time I would speak my truth. Sure by then it was a whine or bitch-feast, but I realized it was the result of stuffing down what I needed the rest of the month for me. All that stuffing made me gain a lot of weight.
Your truth is your truth. Not bitching, not whine. Truth.
LikeLiked by 1 person