Writing Prompts

SoCS 11-27-21 I Still Have Questions

Linda Hill challenges us today with this prompt: “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is ‘golly gee.’ Use ‘golly gee’ or another interjection that displays the same sentiment in your post. Enjoy!”

Why is God torturing me with these horrible thoughts that make me scared Dad was treated badly the few days he was at the new home? I can’t help it, and it would be too late for Dad, but if I’m right, maybe it would save someone else from suffering.

Golly gee, I know it sounds morbid, but hear me out.

1.) How did they get him to eat oatmeal, eggs, and hot dogs when I could barely get soup down him at Hurst Plaza? Were they forcing him to eat all that or just plain lying?

2.) Why was he scared to sleep in the bed? I assured him there were cameras and alarms so he couldn’t fall.

3.) Why did Micheal say he had been there with him that morning and seen him walk so much if he told me in a text that he was having JJ walk him after supposedly Dad got 5 hours of sleep? My husband said he could smell alcohol on Micheal’s breath when we got there. He didn’t find that odd, but how does someone with two care homes and a home of his own, with kids and a wife who is recovering from surgery find the time? I know he is super busy and probably stressed out, but does that seem professional to you?

4.) Why did Stephanie mention asking him if he felt abused in their home, tell me he said he didn’t, but said he said he had been abused at Hurst Plaza on the night he passed away? I never asked that question. Why did she feel the need to tell me that on such a devastating night? PS-I never suspected abuse at either the rehab, or the skilled nursing place, they were simply understaffed.)

5.) What if they pushed him too hard and his heart just gave out?

6.) Why did they do CPR when he was a DNR? They claim not to have been able to find the paperwork, but it was right there in Micheal’s office, he just hadn’t been there for three days.

Maybe its just my grief talking, but I cant get these questions out of my head. If I thought my poor daddy suffered the last 4 days of his life, I would die myself. Should I act on it? Should I let it go, get counseling from my pastor? Dad is being cremated, so there was no autopsy, and everyone would have thought I was nuts to bring it up the night he passed away. In fact, the questions came early the morning after, when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still not eating or sleeping well, and I’m trying to pray, and block these thoughts out. I don’t look forward to retrieving his clothes and chair, because I’m afraid I would be tempted to bring it up, besides, the thought of going back there isn’t pleasant anyway. That’s where I lost my dad. Of course it’s going to cause me more grief.

I know I’m not supposed to have any guilt or regrets, and trust that they were the wonderful place we thought they were, but my tortured mind won’t let me rest. Is this a stage of the grieving process, anger and questions, or do you think I have legitimate cause for concern? Like I said, it can’t bring my daddy back, but if I’m right, it could save someone else’s loved one from suffering the same fate. The last time I saw Dad, he was cold and pale, so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open, and just wanted to get back in his recliner and sleep…he could barely walk with assistance, JJ practically had to carry him back to his chair. I’m sorry to be bringing all this up, but I need answers or I’m going to go crazy.

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Writing Prompts

Grateful for Family

Although I was missing my dad today, my family still came together to celebrate Thanksgiving and we managed to remember him and enjoy each other’s presence and an abundance of food. My brother said a prayer before we sat down to eat, acknowledging our sadness yet being blessed to have our immediate family here together.

Dave and I prepared most of today’s feast, then Stephen and Kacee brought a home cooked spiral turkey and mashed potatoes. It was all delicious, turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and black olives, sweet potato pie and fruit salad. I passed on the dinner roll and I’m still stuffed, and we ate around 3:30!

Kacee, Stephen, Josh, and Shari fixing plates
Chris, Stephen, Kacee, and my goofy self
Sean, Josh, and Shari
Kevin being silly
Dave, the main chef enjoying his dinner

Afterwards, we watched the nail-biter of a game with the Cowboys, who lost in OT. Boo!

I hope you all enjoyed family time and had a blessed Thanksgiving!

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Writing Prompts

Rest in Peace

My dad, Gus in happier, healthier days.

I am having a hard time sharing this post, but you all have followed our journey, so I need to share the news, although its with a heavy heart to do so.

Micheal, at the home where my dad was, finally tried a narcotic (Tylenol 3) to help him sleep on Sunday night. He stated that he got up early after about five hours of sleep, then they took a walk, with assistance, of course, and he had some coffee and they watched a little bit of news. I may have the order of these things wrong, but it’s inconsequential. Anyway, Monday night, he didn’t want to eat, so they asked him if he wanted a protein shake and he said not yet, so they put him in his recliner. He pulled his blanket up to his chin, and leaned over and nodded off. The aid went to help someone else and when she came back to check on Dad, he had stopped breathing. They called 911, then called me, but by the time we got there, it was all over and he was gone.

Everyone says to not feel guilty, but it breaks my heart that he died among strangers instead of his family. I was there almost every day, but they said coming too much was too hard on him, so i had skipped a day. Maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe he knew it would be too hard on me (us), but I would have been more at peace in my heart had we been there to hold his hand. i guess guilt is my cross to bear in this life. I will have to get to Heaven myself to know the answers I seek.

God is in control, I have to keep saying it over and over because if I don’t, I will go mad. And, although I felt good about where he was, when someone dies, you naturally feel anger and suspicious. Was he really being taken care of? I have so many questions, but my cousin told me when those thoughts come to my head, I must shut them down, or I will go into a deep, dark hole I can never climb out of. I have to move on, because he is at peace at last, and that is what is important. There will be a service at his church in due time, and he will then be interred at DFW National Cemetery alongside my my mother’s ashes. There will be a small service there too, since he was a veteran.

What is it with my family members choosing the holidays to go to their final resting place. So many do. I am grateful he is no longer suffering and that I will have my closest family around me for Thanksgiving. We will grieve together and then we will celebrate his life and somehow move on with ours. The other tragedy is that Connie, my sister-in-law lost her mom the same day I lost my dad, but she went to heaven that morning. So she and Bubba will be in Idaho for Thanksgiving. David and I will host my kids, my brother, and Bubba’s son Stephen and his fiance Kacee.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I appreciate all your prayers and concern through this journey. 🙏💕

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Writing Prompts

W.O.T.D. 11-21-21 Celebrate the King of Kings

Revelation 1:4b-8

King of Kings

Personally, I’m finding hard to celebrate right now. There’s a dark cloud over me, and Dad is not doing well. On top of that, I just found out that my sister-in-law’s mom may not be with her much longer. She is traveling to Idaho tomorrow and just hopes to make it in time. How am I just supposed to sit around with my remaining family members and celebrate Thanksgiving while all this is going on? Yet all around me, are celebrations in my other life, the one that has been pushed aside while all this is going on with my dad. My niece-in-law is pregnant, and my brother-in-law’s son is is about to be married. I need to be present for them. Our dear friend is turning 60 soon and his daughter wants to throw him a party. Of course, they expect us to be there. but all I feel like doing is withdrawing and crying.

I know I have to get it together, for my family and friends, for my marriage.

So, at church this morning, they talked about celebrating the King of Kings. (this was before we went to visit Dad and take him his lift chair). I was calm in the knowledge that Jesus will come again, and that God is in control, yet my thoughts kept drifting to the fact that we were going to visit Dad. How would he be feeling? Is he sleeping, eating, sad? Then I get there and find out no, he is still not sleeping at night, he was crying yesterday and no one could figure out why. At least he is eating well. For some reason, they could not get him to drink anything. Why is that? So, I called Micheal, and he said he was going to give him something different tonight to help him sleep. I think the doctor needs to be called in, because of the other things going on.

Lord God, please let me rest in the knowledge that You know what is best for my dad, and You will wrap Your arms around him and give him some comfort. I know my brother is supposed to go visit him later, when he wakes up. Maybe Sean will go as well. Maybe that will cheer Dad up.

PS-traffic is a nightmare, because they have the freeway shut down. Traffic was being diverted to the route we tried to take, so the trip lasted twice as long as usual. I hope they come back with some more positive news.

To distract myself, I am watching the Rock and Roll Hall of fame. I can at least celebrate the history of some of my favorite musicians. 🤗💕

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Writing Prompts

Multi-Prompt Post 11-20-21

Our SoCS prompt today is: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “black, gray, and white.”Use one, use ’em all. Bonus points if you use all three. Have fun!

Visiting Day

Photo credit: Unsplash

Gray was his hair, white was his face

Black was my mood

When I left the place

“What are they doing?

Why’s he so tired?

Are they treating him nicely

Or should they all be fired?”

He wasn’t at all agile,

As they assisted him to the chair

It was as if it would’ve been easier

Just to carry him there.

How hard to leave

Knowing he knows not why,

Its no wonder then

I go home and cry.

Sleep is restless and food not so good

Is it any wonder I’m not in the holiday mood?

My mantra today is God is in control

I fervently pray that He saves my soul.

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